Freedom and Filial Piety

Yesterday, in the midst of Mum's scolding, she suddenly asked me to recall what Father Thomas had advised me in terms of my role in my family. I have really forgotten that advice in the hustle and bustle of my teaching life, but Mum's question suddenly jerked those words out of the back of my mind.

"My role in my family (single-parent) is not only as a daughter, but I also should be a husband to my mother."

Taken aback by the double roles that I have to fulfill, I realise my actions so far have not assured my mother that she is well-appreciated in my heart. Although whatever I did may be common among my peers, such as not calling back home automatically and regularly every day, it does make her uneasy while for me, it is no great deal! When her level of anxiety rises, so does her intensity of rage. Consequently, all kinds of abusive remarks and wrong accusations fall on my ears and pierce my heart.

If you ask me how I feel, of course I would feel enraged! In my sadness, I will often lament about my extremely deprived freedom. But WHAT CAN I DO? I realise God demands me to do more to show that I'm a filial child for my mother who is deprived of love. She's deprived of parental love since young (sold as a child), sibling love, genuine love of a husband and friendship, so I CAN'T possibly let her be deprived of kinship love from a daughter! Maybe I should put it this way: I can't even do anything that possibly suggest to her that she has no place in my heart.

However, I feel really miserable because I can't suppress my craving for freedom! I can't be like any other middle-aged singles who can go out with friends for a movie or shopping anytime! Why?

As I was preparing for tomorrow's catechism class, I saw what Mother Teresa said,
"The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved. ... We must start in our homes to remedy this kind of poverty." (I remember Father Thomas said that before in one of his homilies a long time ago, as if God is reminding me of His commandment of love.)

Lord, please help me to surrender my desire for freedom and sacrifice my own will for the love of my mother! I admit by my selfish nature, I have no power to do that willingly and persistently, but I trust that I can do it one day, with God's grace and divine mercy. (I don't want to wait till the day my mother leaves this world before I sincerely repent my mistake and change.)

Unjust Punishment

She was bathing and called me when I just sat down on the sofa in the living room to take things from my file. Admittedly, I did answer back in an unpleasant tone, thinking that why she still wanted to chat with me when she was still stuck in the bathroom.

Then, there goes my opportunity to attend PROM Night and LISS Seminar. Sickening! Just a few hours ago, she had still agreed to let me go for PROM Night and now, it's all gone! Absolutely no room for negotiation! What followed was a series of ranting! Ya, yaya! My attitude and behaviour are not exemplary at all and I have not conducted myself well as a teacher, catechist and a lector. In your eyes, I'm always a "tor sui ka" (in Cantonese), all because I'm the descendant of my sickening Dad (瘟神的种)! I will never grow up and mature in your eyes! If I don't fall into the trap of this self-fulfilling prophecy, it is all by God's grace!

I think I'll never get my freedom as an ADULT!

失落

到底我付出的心血会不会化成一江春水向东流？

Shocking and Biblical Youth Message

This is a shockingly powerful and biblical message preached to about 5,000 youths. This sermon prompts youths or even adults that are drawn to worldly behaviours and pleasures to really examine ourselves. Are we genuine Christians? What’s a true conversion? Do all of us receive salvation just by mere faith in Jesus Christ?

The renowned preacher, Paul Washer, urges us not to compare ourselves to the world, but to compare ourselves to the Scriptures. If we profess to walk in the narrow way, we should walk in the way of righteousness as a style of life. Continuous repentance is the key.

With God, There's No Mission Impossible!

“I do not live anymore- it is Christ who lives in me. I still live in my body, but I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself to save me.”
[Gal 2: 20]

Truly, I would not dare to embark on this project if I had been my usual self. I say that because I have neither attended nor organized any camps before in my entire life. Also, given my career-minded nature, I would never have imagined myself to be so actively involved in doing church work! Now, in retrospect, I do not quite understand why I had the courage to agree to organize i-Paul Camp a second time last year, knowing the possible obstacles lying ahead. Would there be sufficient number of participants? Would there be adequate catechists helping? Would I have the time and ability to juggle both this camp and my school work? These questions had never failed to surround me ever since I said, “Yes.”

Within these six months, I experienced God’s divine consolation and aid as well as the additional tests He bestowed on me. At the initial stage of the planning phase, through the Holy Spirit, God gave me the inspiration for the camp’s theme and the main programmes. However, when the camp was originally scheduled to be conducted during the March holidays, we received very little response. Only 3 students from Church of St Michael and 9 students from Church of St Bernadette registered for the camp. We had not yet invited students in our own catechism classes because we were then busy with preparing our students for the Stations of the Cross skit. We then decided to postpone the camp to end of May. After praying to Infant Jesus, the Lord generously blessed us with the participation of the entire CCD ministry from Church of St Bernadette. They brought in 98 students and 25 catechists to help us. Including Church of Our Lady of Lourdes Church of St Michael and our church, eventually, a total of 144 students took part in the camp and there were 52 adults helping. Isn’t this like the multiplication of fish and bread?

Initially, I only planned to conduct the camp for upper primary pupils in order to keep the camp at a manageable scale. However, it seemed that the Holy Spirit was nudging me through Patricia, the CCD co-ordinator of Church of St Bernadette, to expand the camp and open it to firstly secondary pupils and then followed by lower primary pupils. Although God gave me such challenges, He never left me alone to think of solutions. As time passed, I drew inspiration from other church activities and even from my school activities. That was how I thought of having Amazing Race for lower primary segment and the movie retreat for the secondary session. By the grace of the Holy Spirit, I also managed to think of ways to overcome some logistic constraints.

About a week prior to the camp, I felt totally beaten by stress and anxiety as the day to return my pupils their exam scripts drew near. At that time, I still had four sets of exam papers unmarked and the camp was going to be held on that Saturday, 23 May. There were some other things I had to prepare for the camp but I had not started doing them yet. Fear began to overtake me. I was afraid that I could not finish marking my exam papers on time and thus, could not do a good job in organizing and delivering part of the upper primary programme of the camp. Doubts of my own capability proliferated in my mind. Just when I was worn down by weariness and distress by these two seemingly insurmountable tasks, our Heavenly Father stretched out a loving hand, and let me came across two articles online that taught me immediately what I should do.

From these two articles, I realized that God measures each trial carefully before assigning them to us. He measures them out with the provision that you and I get a hold of His grace through that trial. To put it simply, each trial is weighed out in such a way that the Lord knows we can only go through it with His grace. The second article has convinced me to cry to the Lord for help “for the Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1) Instantly, I knew just what to do- to pray to our Lord in great desperation to seek His grace, strength and wisdom. Indeed, the turbulent waves of anxiety calmed down in my heart after praying as I dismissed all disturbing thoughts and concentrated on the tasks at hand, one at a time.

But that was not the end of God’s testing on me. When I returned to school on Monday, which was a Marking Day for teachers, my Head of Department (HOD) broke a ‘disastrous’ piece of news to me. She reminded me that the Principal had wanted all teachers of graduating classes to key in the exam results two days before the official deadline, which was by Wednesday instead of by Friday. I was utterly shocked and was totally weakened! All my renewed hopes shattered! As I climbed up the stairs to my secluded marking place, my classroom on the top floor, I could not hide my feelings anymore and literally scream out to the Lord in great despair! I cried out, “Lord Jesus! Why did you give me this cross to bear? How am I going to meet my marking deadline? What should I do?” I was about to break down in tears when suddenly a positive idea struck my mind: Maybe this is God’s way of helping me to manage my time. When the school compelled me to complete my marking and keying in of marks earlier, I could then focus all my energy to complete school work first and devote the last two days entirely for the camp preparation. Otherwise, I would still be multi-tasking throughout these five days before 23 May, without knowing which one to focus first. Once I switched my perspective to look at this apparently ‘harsh’ arrangement from a positive angle, I felt instant relief.

Praise the Lord! By the peace and strength of God that dwelled in my heart, I seemed to be able to mark more efficiently. By Wednesday evening, I was only left with about four compositions before I set off to church to help wrap the goodie bags. Till now, I am still puzzled about why I had mustered the courage to inform the Principal that my classes’ results would only be keyed in on Thursday morning and to apologize for the delay. I had never been so forthright to my superiors before, especially in admitting my shortcomings to them and seeking their forgiveness. To my pleasant surprise, the Principal just explained to me in a friendly manner the reason why she had requested for an earlier submission of marks for the graduating classes. Thanks be to God! I finally completed all the essential school work by Thursday morning, and could then attend the Ascension of the Lord mass in triumphant joy. I then had a peace of mind to devote my entire time on Friday after school to finish up the necessary camp preparation.

Needless to say, with God watching over all of us during the camp, everything proceeded smoothly as planned on the actual day. I was grateful to God for granting our CCD ministry this accomplishment.

Organizing the second i-Paul Camp is the milestone and turning point of my life. I begin to experience for myself that nothing is impossible with God, and the grace of God is sufficient to help me transcend all barriers and self-perceived limits to my potential. I now truly appreciate what St. Paul said, “My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.” [2 Cor 12: 9] This trial has offered me the opportunity to feel the most vulnerable moment of my life so far, and thus has allowed me to witness God’s greatest power. I also feel that God is not only working in me, but is also working to unite and revitalize our whole ministry. All praises and thanks be to the ever-living God!

“My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ
Jesus.” [Phil 4: 19]

“I sought the Lord and he answered me, from all my terrors he set me free.” [Psalm 34: 4]

References:
1) http://library.timelesstruths.org/texts/Treasures_of_the_Kingdom_45/Baby_Strength/
2) http://library.timelesstruths.org/texts/The_Handmaid_of_the_Lord/Accepting_the_Trial/

Cardboard Testimonies

Witness the immense power of God's love, grace and healing that brought about the conversion in these people who wrote the cardboard testimonies.

My Cardboard Testimony

Past: Only focused on my studies and career.

Now: Serving for Christ, and becoming more and more active.

Past: Believed I deserved all the credit for all my achievements.

Now: God makes my hard work pays off. All successes are granted by God.

Staff CIP at Chek Jawa

It was drizzling at about 6am. The bad weather aggravated my desire to 'skip' this staff outing, and I did not relish the thought of probably more mud or sand getting into my shoes. I took my own sweet time to bathe and then left home at about 7.10am. Soon, I managed to hop into a taxi, but was actually half hoping that I would miss the bus when I reach school.

As the taxi driver turned into the school, I saw that a lot of teachers had already gathered at the foyer, but none had gone up the bus yet. Feeling slightly disappointed, I paid for the taxi fare and went to collect my bun and bottle of water.

But as you can see from these pictures that show the scenic views of Chek Jawa, I do not regret for going there. There was a guided tour of the entire area, where we walked through a coastal forest on a boardwalk and we were basked in the symphony of natural sounds- delightful chirping of birds and the melancholy of the croaking of frogs or insects. We also had a chance to see different kinds of plants and creatures, particularly mangrove trees and sea weeds.

(The one in red and yellow T-shirt is me, looking rather forlorn.)

(Team of colleagues for guided tour.)

Then, our tour guide led us climb up a flight of stairs. I was delirious with joy when I started to see the canopy of trees in the forest, beneath the clear blue sky. I echoed out the familiar tune of the Chinese movie 刘三姐 and to my pleasant surprise, 夏老师 replied with the same tune. 我们开始对歌了一会儿。

此时，歌瘾已发作了，而且还是一发不可收拾。我和夏老师不断地切磋歌艺，从广东歌、中国民歌、台湾民歌、黄梅调至流行歌，我们都无所不唱，乐此不疲，乐在其中。好久没有这样轻松的感觉了！没想到夏老师也这么热爱唱歌，还挺会模仿郑智化的腔调呢！

跟着，我们就在这座桥上，一边瞭望浩瀚无垠的海洋，一边拉开嗓子，唱着我们熟悉的歌曲。嘹亮的歌声仿佛带走了压抑在我胸中已久的郁闷。感谢天主赐给我这么宝贵的机会，让我能够在大自然的怀抱中疏解压力。
可当我唱到《楚留香》这几句歌词时，心中却涌起一股感慨。

尘沾不上心间，情牵不到此心中，来得安去也写意，人生休说苦痛。
聚散匆匆，莫牵挂，未记风波中英雄勇，就让浮萍轻抛剑外，千山我独行不必相送。
。。。。。

CASE Descriptions 1

Character Description
1. Beautiful eyelashes, thick and curved.
2. The husband flat on his back, mouth open, snoring gently.
3. hair in neat bangs (AmE= fringe) on his forehead

Action Description
1. leaned back in the chair
2. kneaded the flesh above his eyebrows
3. leaped awake

Setting Description
1. In the silence of the office, he still heard Carl Seaton’s voice, all cunning gone, penitent (= remorseful / repentant / conscience-stricken), full of regret. (+ Emotion description)
2. under the harsh light of a 100-watt ceiling bulb
3. in the small cluttered office
4. his sneakers noiseless in the carpeted hallway
5. The bullet exploded through the thin blanket, small shreds of green cloth filling the air like rain, the noise of the shot not as loud as he’d imagined it would be.
6. the smell of gunpowder heavy in the air

Emotion Description
1. eyes became fixed and frozen in shock
2. Carl Seaton had confessed his acts of murder almost eagerly, glad to provide the details that would lead to his own doom, his voice buoyant (= carefree / lighthearted) with relief.
3. simulated sympathy and compassion
4. failed to provide the usual surge (= a sudden increase in the strength of a feeling) of triumph

My Fear

Though I'm a teacher, I have my fears too.

Today, I just read Nadhirah's blog and managed to gain a deeper insight on the journey my beloved pupils experienced during the 3-days Project Super Achievers programme. Actually, I would love to stay with my pupils till the end of that programme on Wednesday, if not for the sake of my mum who had food poisoning that week. It's such a pity that I missed the most heart-wrenching moments when my 5N pupils expressed their ambitions and fears that hinder them from performing. Tears actually streaked down some of their faces.

To tell you the truth, this is also the first year in my entire teaching career when I sensed the highest level of pressure and FEAR. Why? Because I am teaching the entire 5NA stream. If this is your first time studying for 'O' level English, this is also my first time teaching 'O' level English after getting so used to the NA English syllabus. On top of that, I was the one who asked for this 'cross', requesting to exchange 4/7 or 4/8 (can't remember now) for 5/1, thinking that this arrangement would benefit my students and me better. But there came a point when I started to wonder: Is this a right decision? Would I shortchange my beloved 5NA pupils by being possessive? Now, the responsibility to make sure everyone produces optimal English results for 2009 'O' level English exam is even heavier on me. I also cannot let Mrs Aziz down for entrusting the results of the entire 5N stream to me. My usual self-confidence crumbled, like a wall being torn down. (To be cont'd...)

Self-sacrifice

http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=06717b0cba7de01ee4b9

Recently, I begin to feel how weary it is to sustain a friendship. I used to think I'm a benevolent or obliging person who won't reject anyone's request for help, but lately amidst my tight schedule of lessons and unfortunate circumstances, I begin to grow tired of acceding to my friend's requests. I begin to wish how good it would be if no one bothers me. That's why I prefer a life of solitude.

However, watching this video clip makes me feel utterly guilty and ashamed of myself. It gives me the stark realization that I actually don't understand the true spirit of self-sacrifice. My so-called 'suffering' is certainly not comparable to the imminent death that the old man is facing. He definitely must be more distressing than me, yet he still uses his remaining energy and time to brighten up the blind man's life, to help him see this 'colourful' and 'eventful' world.

"Aspire to inspire till you expire."