Freedom and Filial Piety

Yesterday, in the midst of Mum's scolding, she suddenly asked me to recall what Father Thomas had advised me in terms of my role in my family. I have really forgotten that advice in the hustle and bustle of my teaching life, but Mum's question suddenly jerked those words out of the back of my mind.

"My role in my family (single-parent) is not only as a daughter, but I also should be a husband to my mother."

Taken aback by the double roles that I have to fulfill, I realise my actions so far have not assured my mother that she is well-appreciated in my heart. Although whatever I did may be common among my peers, such as not calling back home automatically and regularly every day, it does make her uneasy while for me, it is no great deal! When her level of anxiety rises, so does her intensity of rage. Consequently, all kinds of abusive remarks and wrong accusations fall on my ears and pierce my heart.

If you ask me how I feel, of course I would feel enraged! In my sadness, I will often lament about my extremely deprived freedom. But WHAT CAN I DO? I realise God demands me to do more to show that I'm a filial child for my mother who is deprived of love. She's deprived of parental love since young (sold as a child), sibling love, genuine love of a husband and friendship, so I CAN'T possibly let her be deprived of kinship love from a daughter! Maybe I should put it this way: I can't even do anything that possibly suggest to her that she has no place in my heart.

However, I feel really miserable because I can't suppress my craving for freedom! I can't be like any other middle-aged singles who can go out with friends for a movie or shopping anytime! Why?

As I was preparing for tomorrow's catechism class, I saw what Mother Teresa said,
"The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved. ... We must start in our homes to remedy this kind of poverty." (I remember Father Thomas said that before in one of his homilies a long time ago, as if God is reminding me of His commandment of love.)

Lord, please help me to surrender my desire for freedom and sacrifice my own will for the love of my mother! I admit by my selfish nature, I have no power to do that willingly and persistently, but I trust that I can do it one day, with God's grace and divine mercy. (I don't want to wait till the day my mother leaves this world before I sincerely repent my mistake and change.)

Unjust Punishment

She was bathing and called me when I just sat down on the sofa in the living room to take things from my file. Admittedly, I did answer back in an unpleasant tone, thinking that why she still wanted to chat with me when she was still stuck in the bathroom.

Then, there goes my opportunity to attend PROM Night and LISS Seminar. Sickening! Just a few hours ago, she had still agreed to let me go for PROM Night and now, it's all gone! Absolutely no room for negotiation! What followed was a series of ranting! Ya, yaya! My attitude and behaviour are not exemplary at all and I have not conducted myself well as a teacher, catechist and a lector. In your eyes, I'm always a "tor sui ka" (in Cantonese), all because I'm the descendant of my sickening Dad (瘟神的种)! I will never grow up and mature in your eyes! If I don't fall into the trap of this self-fulfilling prophecy, it is all by God's grace!

I think I'll never get my freedom as an ADULT!