3/3's 'Make-over'

I heeded Mdm Chng's advice to rearrange some pupils' seats (Louie and friends' seats). At first, I arranged for them but there was so much resentment (bitter anger) among the pupils, even the Chinese girls. I asked Guan Zhou to put his table in a straight row and he simply refused to budge (move very slightly). I lost my patience and pulled his table apart from the rest violently, with all his worksheets and books scattered onto the floor. Of course, he was very "buay song".

Then, it dawned (emerged) on me that they would forever be not happy with my arrangement. I was really frustrated and rather clueless what to do! (I am really tired of changing pupils' seating arrangement and in the end, gradually observing them reverting to the original plan they like, "inch by inch".) Then, suddenly, I felt that it's time for my pupils to take ownership of the class, however mischievous some of the boys are. I just laid down two conditions before I gave them the remaining 15 minutes to discuss the seating arrangement among themselves: it must help them to be able to focus more during lessons and it must be fair to every body. Then, I was so depressed and pissed off as I walked out of the classroom.

Back in the staffroom, I simply had no mood to do anything. I just lied on my table and reflected on my teaching ability. Of course, I also turned to God for help.

Around 1.30pm, I waited outside 3/3 classroom for the last lesson to end. Now, all my pupils are now gathered to the front. They rather squeeze to the front with their friends, leaving a large empty space behind the classroom. Louie and friends sat in one row near the window, facing the whole class. Initially, I was not very happy that some boys whom I wanted to separate still sit in pairs or threes. But for a moment, I thought the class looks so much closer together instead of the usual distinct five groups and I thought to myself, "Not bad."


I asked the class to give ten reasons to convince me to adopt their preferred seating arrangement. They could! In fact, they came out with ten over reasons, excluding a few lame ones, of course, such as 'can throw litter over the window'. :< Well, I feel relieved that most of them commented that they now could see and concentrate better. Some teachers also gave similar positive comments.

This is the first time I learn not to be so dictatorial (authoritative; loves to command) in the class and to give my pupils some freedom and independence in shaping their own classroom environment. 3/3, I hope that you will be more attentive during lessons after this change in seating arrangement because if not, you are going to bear the consequences of your joint decision.

Healing from God (based on Mother Mary)

I've long wanted to tell all of you this, but I have been soo... bogged down by work: training pupils for the National Bilingual Speech competition, attending a 3 full days Special Needs course at NIE, setting 3N exam papers and then 3 days of 'N' levels invigilation during the September break!

The next day after my entry about losing hope and strength as a teacher due to 4/4, I was immediately comforted by God during the homily of the Assumption of Mary mass. Father Thomas mentioned that all of us, including Mother Mary, have to accept our own set of strengths and weaknesses before we can fulfill God's mission. He also added that we need to stay hopeful despite setbacks or failures so that we can reach the perfection stage one day, and this day CAN HAPPEN IN OUR CURRENT LIFE!

I felt so touched by Jesus's love for me and was once again assured of his omnipotent (mighty; powerful) presence in my life. Really, nowadays, the Lord is my refuge (a shelter; a safe place) and He comforts and encourages me before I even have the time to talk to Him. The Lord is really magnificent and compassionate! I'm glad that I can sense his presence more acutely (sharply; conspicuously) than before. Alleluia! Praise be to the Lord!

4/4- Bane of my teaching career

4/4 IS REALLY DRIVING ME CRAZY THESE DAYS! (Of course, not all of them, but unfortunately only a small handful of them are cooperative: Teck Lee, Wei Fah, Danial, Yin Han, maybe Haikarl, Fazlun and friends. That's about all. :<) Jun Xian's big group of supporters is really getting on my nerves. They insisted on sticking together and yet refused to pay attention to my explanation. They still talked to each other as if there was no teacher present! When I asked them whether there was any relief teacher for yesterday's English lesson as I was absent, Jun Xian even remarked that it made no difference whether I was here for lesson or not. I was simply infuriated! Even Liying and Jeslyn are becoming less focused although Liying claimed that she did her corrections. I normally trusted Liying and rarely monitored her but I had to ask her today whether she wrote the correct answers.

Towards the last 10 minutes, all the pupils went back to their seats to put down their notes and THEY DECLARED END OF LESSON before I could even say anything. Some of them even attempted to walk out of the classroom before the bell rang. I was going to briefly go through one more complaint model letter but did you guys give me any chance to say so? Absolutely NO! Your body language preceded everything I intended to do! Is that the right kind of attitude you have just before your prelims? I plunged into utter despair!

I loathed myself for treating 4/4 'nicely' initially and giving them certain privileges. Now, they are taking advantage of me, just because I was not as firm as other teachers. BUT 4/4, DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE USING YOUR PRELIMS AND EVEN 'N' LEVEL ENGLISH RESULTS AS YOUR STAKE FOR MISBEHAVING or going against me? You are the ones to give up on yourself first through your misbehaviour and I'm getting weary of handling you...

After leaving 4/4, my temper inevitably rose again as I walked along the corridor of the 3N classrooms, chasing each 'stray' 3/3 pupil back into the classroom, quite a usual routine for me actually, but I couldn't keep my emotions in control and subconsciously raised my voice in an attempt to COMMAND THEM TO GO IN!

3/3, pardon me for being suddenly so fierce! I know Syafiqah noticed me suddenly flaring up today without no seemingly valid reason. Part of the reason why I scolded Eileen so harshly for changing pictures for the class oral task also began with my self-resentment in my treatment to 4/4. I really can't stop fearing that 3/3 might one day turn out to be another 4/4: rude, disrespectful, contemptuous and unmotivated in your studies TO THAT EXTENT!

Sometimes, I wonder am I fit to be a teacher? Currently, there's nothing in my teaching job that I can be proud of... I'm weakening... I'm losing hope...

Homeroom on 8 Aug

On 8 Aug, during Homeroom period, I decided to play My Teacher is a Gangster 2 episode 4. I really feel greatly inspired each time I watch this drama series and the show always rekindles my passion to be a teacher, especially to be a teacher of NA pupils.

Through this episode, I hope to make my pupils realize that every one of them has a bright future ahead of them even though they might not have any ambition right now, therefore they shouldn't give up on themselves.

The VCD that I have only contains Chinese subtitles, so I attempted to overcome this problem by trying to translate the main parts of the plot and the important learning points to English in order to enable the non-Chinese pupils to at least have a slight idea of the show. I hope my translation has been useful.

I was glad that quite a number of my pupils seemed to be enthralled (captivated) by the show, especially Teng Wee, Kevin, Jackson, Xiu Guang, Kuang Sheng, Agnes Lim and even Syafiq. Syafiq even shifted from the last row to the second last row. Although Jasmeet said something hurtful in the middle of my translation that really annoyed me, under Hui Xiang's encouragement, I continued to explain the show after scolding Jasmeet. Thank you, Hui Xiang, for showing great interest in the show and even trying to promote this show to his other friends who were standing outside the classroom.

I wonder how many of you have been touched by this show…

What makes a genius or a successful person?

这世界上真正能成功的人，不见得是最聪明的，也不见得是学历最高的，而是最能面对问题、锲而不舍的人。－刘墉《做个快乐读书人》

English translation:
A really successful person is neither one who is the cleverest, nor is the one with the highest academic qualifications. Instead, a successful person is one who makes steady and consistent efforts in confronting his / her problems.

谁坚持得久，谁就是天才；谁自己要强，谁就是天才！－刘墉《做个快乐读书人》

English translation:
You are a genius if you persevere the longest.
You are a genius if you want to be strong.

The Day I Overslept :<

Today was my most sinful day as a teacher! Instead of being woken up by my “菊花台”ringtone alarm, I was woken up at 9 plus by my “大长今”ringtone, which I set for phone calls. (I place my handphone beside me on my bed to wake myself up. Usually, this method works better for me than alarm clocks because of the phone's vibration.)

That ringtone suddenly became a nightmare to me as I opened my eyes and recalled that today was a Monday, a SCHOOL DAY! All my drowsiness instantaneously disappeared and I quickly looked at the number of the incoming call. It was from General Office! Shit! I didn't bother to answer the call as I was panicky! At the same time, I received Sin Yi's sms, saying that she felt terribly uncomfortable in the canteen's toilet. Oh dear! I was not even physically in school YET! As I quickly washed up and got dressed, I was reproaching myself for being late, for being unable to attend to Sin Yi and at the same time, quite worried for her condition.

I was in time for my 3/5 lesson, which started at 10 o'clock. I had to conduct the lesson in a rather husky voice as I had not eaten or had barely drunk anything. (Of course, I deserved it!)Later, I found out that Sin Yi did not even request to go home and rest. She must have been feeling terribly sick the whole day...

The whole school seemed to know about it as the teachers and HODs were surprised to see me as they thought I was on mc or was away for a medical appointment, and they all enquired whether I was ok. I just vaguely replied, "Ya, ya, I'm ok." I urged them silently: I'm already remorseful. Please stop probing or showing "acts of concern" to save me from further embarrassment, ok?!

I guess this is one of the pains of growing up! My students often felt nothing when they overslept and did not come to school. At the most, I just call their parents up and they receive nagging from me and their parents. Things are so simple for them! How I envy you guys! But once you become an adult, such seemingly minor mistakes can become one of the worst sins as you are then loaded with RESPONSIBILITIES and GREAT EXPECTATIONS to fulfill, failing which, you will then need to experience a whole lot of negative implications and consequences. I'm not exaggerating, my dear students! This is REAL in the working world! So while you are still young, correct all your mistakes and don't let them become your habits.

Belated Youth Day Message

Dedicated to all my current 3N students (though I only have the opportunity to show it to my form class),

You can never guess how thankful and blessed I am to be your teacher!
Because of you guys, I feel happy in this school!
Because of you guys, I find my worth as a teacher.
Because of you guys, I learn more things about teenage culture.
Because of you guys, I GROW in a myriad of ways.
Many thanks to all of you! You've enriched my life and have added more meaning to my existence.

You are my sunshine!

HAPPY YOUTH DAY!

God's message to me

After I blogged about my relationship with my mother, as usual during my weekly charismatic session, I heard someone said the following in Mandarin,

"You only have ONE biological mother and father. Be sure to treat them well before they leave this world."

At that very instant, I knew this message was from God to me. Though it sounds very cliche, I feel that it is a tremendously useful reminder for me, and for all of us reading this entry right now!

Thanks be to God! :>

How to love without conditions?

When you love without conditions, you support the freedom of others to choose
their own way, even when you disagree with them. You trust them to make the best
choice for them. You trust God's plan for their awakening. You know that they
can never make a mistake that will cut them off from God's love or your own.

- Paul Ferrini

How I wish my mother could apply this principle!

Empathy

Today, my mum said that she hated me. She once again said that she resented seeing me because she felt that I resemble my 'wunsan' (you need to read this word in Cantonese) dad more and more.

This is not the first time. Ever since that 'wunsan' unrepentant dad left, my mum keeps making this remark. Tears welled up in my eyes. In the past, she wouldn't say that to me unless I made a severe mistake that had greatly disappointed her. But nowadays, she often makes this remark at the slightest mistake I make or even when I do not do anything wrong. I felt immense pain. I mean I have always been like my old self. If she finds me clumsy or inefficient at doing household chores or having whatever bad attributes, why didn't she complain about it in the past? Why does she detest me so much now? I am really puzzled.

About a fortnight ago, I prayed to God to restore my relationship with my mother. Soon after, when I attended my weekly charismatic group's activity at St Peter and Paul church, I seemed to receive my answer when Father Thomas, my most revered priest, explained the concept of empathy. He firstly established that empathy is not the same as sympathy. Sympathy means you pity somebody, but you still view yourself and the other party as TWO SEPARATE entities. On the other hand, when you empathise with someone, you can put yourself in the other person's shoes and share exactly the same emotions, thoughts and perspectives as him or her. In other words, you can look at the world from his or her angle, and you will regard yourself and the other party as ONE entity. He also added that we should show empathy towards our family members as we are more aware of our family members’ circumstances. Upon hearing this, I realized that I am also guilty of not showing any empathy towards my mother and I have been too self-centred, always conscious of my own feelings only.

Thereafter, I tried to hold my temper and to remind myself to show empathy to my mother whenever she made any unreasonable remarks again. However, I am unsuccessful and still feel upset or angry each time she criticizes me and her anger towards me is not reduced to any extent either. I do not know why. Either it is because my efforts to control my temper is not evident enough or my mother has been oblivious to my subtle changes in my temperament. I'm not saying that we don't love each other anymore. She still does lots of things for me and still nags at me out of concern and I still pray for her and we still do laugh and chat, but I really don't understand why she increasingly finds it difficult to accept me as her daughter.

Today, I eventually resolved the problem by telling myself that I did not do anything wrong, so there's no reason for me to be angry or upset. I need not feel angry if someone else is at fault. After that, I felt more at ease.

I guess showing empathy towards family members is easier said than done, at least this is true for me, as maybe to a certain extent, I also expect my mother to empathise with me, especially my work condition. When she can't do that, that's when I get disappointed too. I won't expect outsiders to understand my situation, therefore I may be more understanding to others.

Oh dear Lord, I confess I am not capable of showing empathy towards my mother. Perhaps the second divorce and my incorrigible dad has left her an indelible emotional wound. Please heal my mother's emotional wound and grant me the strength, will power and compassion to forgive and understand her. Please help me to die to my selfish self.

P.S. Please kindly leave me a comment after reading this entry. If you are my student, you can try telling me what you can learn from this posting or share with me any similar experiences, ok?