Indeed, I’m quite certain that this book was hand-picked for me by God Himself. If not, I can’t explain why I got so immensely attracted to this book after browsing through a few pages of it and without hesitation, I borrowed it instantly as if it contains the answers I need.
After reading this section entitled “Goodness and Rightness” in this book, it starts to dawn on me that I’m indeed a bad daughter. In addition, many events that happened to my church life recently point out that I have no real love for my mum. I think my love for my pupils and even for my stuffed toys can surpass the ‘love’ for my mum. I hate my mum for restricting my freedom. I hate my mum for not trusting me enough. I hate my mum for accusing me of harbouring selfish or evil intentions when I can swear that I do not have such intentions at all. I hate my mum for accusing me of flaring up when my temper hasn’t even risen. I hate my mum MOST when she says that I resemble my sickening Dad and cannot notice that I’m already striving to change for the better, by the grace and salvation of God, although certainly not perfect yet! Because of all that, I’m deeply agitated with my mum and I find that sometimes, her words just rouse more resentment and anger in me. This is the brokenness that is rampant in my apparently ‘close’ relationship with my mother.
My heart is getting more unsettled and disturbed these days. I used to think that I’m a filial and obedient daughter who sacrifices my time for my mum and she really should not ask for more, comparing myself to contemporary teenagers who seldom go out or spend their leisure time with their parents. But recently, God seems to be reproaching and has been bombarding me with Bible phrases like ‘do not harden our hearts’, ‘it is kindness that I want, not animal sacrifices’, ‘put on sincere love’, ‘not grow tired of doing good’ and the like. These biblical messages and the current circumstances have stirred me tremendously out of my comfort zone.
All along, I assumed the fault lies in my mother for hurting me. But this book has made me realize that children need to show a greater tolerance and appreciation for their parents’ limitations and recognize that being also humans, they are capable of inflicting pain on us too. However, parents are not wrong because they still love their children. On the contrary, I have high expectations of them since parents are the role models and our closest ones. I strongly felt that all the more, they should not hurt their children. That’s why I often collapse into tears whenever my mum accuses me, and my mum will take that crying as a sign of my meekness. But I can’t tell her the truth that she has accused me and even if I try, both parties will get ‘hotter’. She’ll never understand.
The solutions to my predicament are to practise sorrowful obedience in addition to simply joyful obedience (mentioned in Fr Thomas’ homily) and to take refuge in Lord Jesus. In other words, gladly accept these unfair treatments as a kind of suffering and trial that God our Father wants me to undergo and triumph over it. Continue to see the face of our Heavenly Father in my mum’s face, no matter how ‘unreasonable’ she may sometimes be, because ultimately, she still loves me. Love prevails and reigns! When tensions are running high at home, focus on the Lord for He is my rock and refuge. Focus on the Lord's love for me and thus in gratitude, I should avoid sin. Do NOT focus on preserving my dignity.
Last but not the least, one comforting message that I get from this book is the more I’m made aware of my own flaws in my character, I’m actually being drawn closer to God. Allelujah!
Lord, I thank you for sustaining me and allowing me to grow through this awakening. Thank you for letting me to come out of my shell of complacency. I pray that you will give me the strength and grace to show genuine love to my mum. Strengthen me in faith to allow me to surrender and trust in You.
