Empathy

Today, my mum said that she hated me. She once again said that she resented seeing me because she felt that I resemble my 'wunsan' (you need to read this word in Cantonese) dad more and more.

This is not the first time. Ever since that 'wunsan' unrepentant dad left, my mum keeps making this remark. Tears welled up in my eyes. In the past, she wouldn't say that to me unless I made a severe mistake that had greatly disappointed her. But nowadays, she often makes this remark at the slightest mistake I make or even when I do not do anything wrong. I felt immense pain. I mean I have always been like my old self. If she finds me clumsy or inefficient at doing household chores or having whatever bad attributes, why didn't she complain about it in the past? Why does she detest me so much now? I am really puzzled.

About a fortnight ago, I prayed to God to restore my relationship with my mother. Soon after, when I attended my weekly charismatic group's activity at St Peter and Paul church, I seemed to receive my answer when Father Thomas, my most revered priest, explained the concept of empathy. He firstly established that empathy is not the same as sympathy. Sympathy means you pity somebody, but you still view yourself and the other party as TWO SEPARATE entities. On the other hand, when you empathise with someone, you can put yourself in the other person's shoes and share exactly the same emotions, thoughts and perspectives as him or her. In other words, you can look at the world from his or her angle, and you will regard yourself and the other party as ONE entity. He also added that we should show empathy towards our family members as we are more aware of our family members’ circumstances. Upon hearing this, I realized that I am also guilty of not showing any empathy towards my mother and I have been too self-centred, always conscious of my own feelings only.

Thereafter, I tried to hold my temper and to remind myself to show empathy to my mother whenever she made any unreasonable remarks again. However, I am unsuccessful and still feel upset or angry each time she criticizes me and her anger towards me is not reduced to any extent either. I do not know why. Either it is because my efforts to control my temper is not evident enough or my mother has been oblivious to my subtle changes in my temperament. I'm not saying that we don't love each other anymore. She still does lots of things for me and still nags at me out of concern and I still pray for her and we still do laugh and chat, but I really don't understand why she increasingly finds it difficult to accept me as her daughter.

Today, I eventually resolved the problem by telling myself that I did not do anything wrong, so there's no reason for me to be angry or upset. I need not feel angry if someone else is at fault. After that, I felt more at ease.

I guess showing empathy towards family members is easier said than done, at least this is true for me, as maybe to a certain extent, I also expect my mother to empathise with me, especially my work condition. When she can't do that, that's when I get disappointed too. I won't expect outsiders to understand my situation, therefore I may be more understanding to others.

Oh dear Lord, I confess I am not capable of showing empathy towards my mother. Perhaps the second divorce and my incorrigible dad has left her an indelible emotional wound. Please heal my mother's emotional wound and grant me the strength, will power and compassion to forgive and understand her. Please help me to die to my selfish self.

P.S. Please kindly leave me a comment after reading this entry. If you are my student, you can try telling me what you can learn from this posting or share with me any similar experiences, ok?